On some nights

Mama,

I wanna just lay beside you some nights – when the storm hits hard and the thunder roars get too loud. 

I want to tell you what he did. That boy. And that other one. 

I want to show you the scars that are hidden. The ones from all the scraping I did from inside of me just to get them out. I tried so hard to get rid of the poison that they set in me, Mama. 

Sometimes, I just wish we could start over. 
I wish I grew up telling you everything. I listen, but I’m all too stubborn. 

You deserve every part of me. Not like them. They just use me. You deserve all of me,but I seem to always give it to someone who would just crush it at the palm of their hands. 

You held me so carefully, but they just broke me recklessly. 

I’m sorry that the one that you have raised so well for almost two decades crumbled to pieces in just a matter of seconds. 

It’s a cruel, cruel world, Mama. You’re right. I wanna just lay beside you some nights. 

They ripped me apart.

Your hug would help me in stitching myself back together. I’m scared of the blackhole that is where their hearts should be. I am scared of their hands that are too cold getting too close to me.

 
You patched me up with stardust and clouds. You built me up with your hands of gold and kisses of dreams. 

I wanna just lay beside you some nights, Mama, when you’re asleep while I am dreading about that one moment you would never know about. 

I hope you’ll still let me lay beside you, Mama, even after you hear the words I’m afraid to tell them that now echoes up until sleep. Even when I shout his name in the middle of the night, frantically. Sweating all over. My hand in my heart. 

I wanna just lay beside you some nights. But you might find it hard to sleep from all the noise inside my head. 

——————-

© Kathrina Ysabel FP, KATHastrophicAdventures ,2016